Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

Two Irishmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be
new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk
by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
pensioner walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you
sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her
ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching
his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me
to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied,
still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at
his groin.

Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened
his trousers and put her hand inside.

She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and
then asked "How does that feel?"

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken

quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had

put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the

length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running all the way across the top shelf

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

His Letter:

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to
West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Her letter

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

The Royal Family is once again in the news with the scandalous news that Prince Harry used terms to describe a fellow soldier of Pakistani origin that are these days deemed to have racist overtones (although it's basically just a shortened version of Pakistani!). As an aside, I thought that it was rather interesting to observe the reaction from affronted prominent Asian Britons to this word use. One called Prince Harry a "thug" but no one criticized him for use of a derogatory name! Double standards these days it seems.

However, back to my main thesis for a minute. What is with this royal family? We have all the furor around Harry in the armed forces but his father and grandmother have also seemingly had some embarrassing moments in the company of the armed forces too. I mean, exactly what is Prince Charles suggesting to this rather nice looking female army officer?